You will never be the same.
I am not the majority when it comes to growing older. I don’t hate it. I don’t fear it. I don’t spend a ridiculous amount of money trying to prevent it or prolong it. The wisdom that comes from every year I have lived on this earth, will always outweigh the cons of aging. The two wrinkles between my eyebrows is the result of being in my 30's. But I will gladly keep them if it meant exchanging what I know now for what I knew then.
I know a lot more.
I know a lot more about really being me. I know a lot more about my needs, what I deserve. I know a lot more about love. About what it really means romantically. About loving the people that come from you. The babies you grow inside of you. The babies you get the chance to watch grow and change and evolve into their authentic selves. I know a lot about healing. About feeling and letting go of things that weren’t meant for me. About trauma, big traumas, little traumas, persistent trauma. I know a lot about wishing I could go back and change things. Wishing I respected myself a little more, wishing I would of known what I know now. But believing that life is funny like that. You can’t go back. And maybe you aren’t supposed to.
I know a lot about not running from my pain. About feeling instead of numbing. Damnit it can be hard to feel. But it is the only way. I know a lot about wanting to do right by my children. About immersing myself in motherhood, making parenting my life’s devotion. Still failing every day. But knowing my children are worth trying for.
I know a lot about people. Mostly good, some bad. But confident that most are just trying their best. And to the ones who aren’t, probably have a reason.
I know a lot about lost and found. Not the kind at the restaurant where you look for the hat you lost or the coat you accidentally left without. I’m talking about losing and finding yourself. I’m talking about the loss of who you were but the found of who you were supposed to be.
You will never be the same.
And you will glad to be different.
With so much love,
Jordan
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