I had an epiphany.
I have had the same question turning through my mind from almost the moment I gave birth to my daughter, Halle.
Will we have one more baby? Are we done? Is our family complete?
So many of my friends just knew that they were done having children. They felt it. They knew it. It was.
But I always envisioned having 3. For some reason, despite google telling me 3 is the hardest, I wanted 3. It was what I dreamed of. It is what I felt in my heart.
But when motherhood became exponentially harder after having 2, I questioned my feelings.
There were so many moments in those early days that I was drowning under water. Waiting for someone to send me a life jacket, but no one came. At the end of the day, the bulk of motherhood falls on my shoulder, and I carry it, without question. I carry it, even if means I suffer. I carry it and always will.
Do I want to do this all over again? Am I selfish if I don’t? Would I be giving up the few pieces of myself that I have left? Or would it absolutely be the right decision?
The back and forth of this huge decision goes through my mind at least 30 times a day, not joking.
It is a whole conversation I have in my head, daily.
It is a BIG decision and the decision falls on me.
I may have always felt like I was supposed to have 3. But what if time and wisdom, my own self-awareness, my own experience influences my decision? Can I trust myself?
Today, while I am mulling the pros and cons through my mind, my 3 year old runs into my arms and says, “I love you, mommy”. It stops me dead in my tracks. I have this beautiful, full faced, little girl in my arms. She is my baby. The baby I have right now. I can’t spend my time thinking about the future and my “next baby”. What I need to be doing is breathing in the sweet girl that I have snuggled up against me as I write this. If I am not careful, I might miss it.
Maybe the answer to this impossible question is simple.
Maybe the answer is to simply be here. To love and cherish the “right now”. To pour into my kindhearted little boy and my bold and brave little girl and just BE.
Hi, it’s Jordan. I am a mother of two. A little boy and a little girl,, I love them both fiercely. I don’t know if we will have another baby someday. But right now, we are just being. And it is everything I have always wanted. It is everything I need.
With love, Jordan
ความคิดเห็น