Flashback to my 13th birthday, Friday, 09/13/2002.
I turn 32 tomorrow. I keep cultivating gratefulness because at this point in my life, I know how fragile life can be. I don’t want to spend one second not being grateful for what I have now. My beautiful precious family around one table. The greatest gift of all.
I started year 31 of my life with an 8-month old and a 3 year old on each side of my hip. All while attempting to work from home, cleaning up continuous messes, and attempting to manage my husband’s insane work schedule. Oh, did I mention there was a pandemic happening? And a presidential election? And the worst division of our nation I have ever seen? It was interesting to say the least.
I always thought the idea of working from home would be a dream. And it might be…if I didn’t have children to take care of simultaneously haha. But I did miss being in the office. I missed the daily connection that I had with my co-workers. I missed seeing their faces, having conversations, laughing like hyenas, crying to them and with them, hearing about every piece of their lives. It felt lonely at times being at home. Their friendships meant a lot to my introverted self. They knew the deepest parts of me. The parts I usually keep private. They listened. And I was heard.
I will admit…I was one of those women who judged other women who “got to stay at home”. I thought they had it easy. I was sometimes envious of their lives. I thought their job was a cake walk in comparison to someone who worked full-time and still raised children.
JOKES ON ME…stay at home mom’s have the hardest most thankless job on the planet. A 24/7, non-stop, around the clock job. So thankless, so unappreciated, but so unbelievably beautiful. Beautiful in the way you might not know until you are old and gray, but beautiful, nonetheless.
In my 31st year of life, I got to raise my babies. Hunter is stoic. He is the most kind, gentle, sensitive boy I have ever met. His emotional intelligence is at genius level and that makes me the proudest mom on the planet. Halle, is the most beautiful little girl I have ever laid eyes upon. She is passionate, adventurous, unafraid, and incredibly wise. She will sometimes put her hands on the back of my head and pull me in for a kiss. I cry every single time she does that. Every. Single. Time.
I found my groove of being a mom to two. It took a while. But I mostly found it. Sometimes, I feel like such an unstoppable woman when my kids are clean/dressed/happy, my house is clean, I have clothes on, and a face on, and a candle burning. I’m like…who is this woman???? Oh, it’s me haha
I try every single day to be the best mom to my children. To teach them and guide them the best way that I know how. I practice conscious discipline which basically means regulating myself before I lash out or overreact. And by doing that, I am teaching them how to manage and understand their own feelings. It is an incredible curriculum and I believe in it.
I feel like I turned a corner with my own struggles with anxiety. I dug really really deep into myself. Processed things that I never processed before. I have “self-diagnosed” myself, but by doing so, it gave me a sense of comfort and peace. It helped me understand why I have these struggles and that I am not alone. I took the time to learn skills that ground me and keep me from going down a vicious cycle of intrusive thoughts. A big middle finger to you, intrusive thoughts. But there have been more good days than bad, and for that, I am grateful.
I also learned that I need to take time for myself. When Hunter was a baby, I thought that I was being the best mom in the world for wanting to be with him 24/7. For never leaving his side. For never doing anything for myself because I was so selfless and devoted. My 31st year of life showed me that I am actually the best mom in the world, when my own inner needs are also met. I also recognize that my children thrive when they are surrounded by other people who love them unconditionally. That they deserve love from all directions, not just from me.
This one has been harder, but I have worked on being less people pleasing. Every time I execute some assertiveness or challenge someone else, I feel like such a B**CH. It is like traumatizing to my insides, but I tell myself, you have the right to your own voice. Your own thoughts. You are your own person. I am definitely a work in progress, but I’m working at it…
I also started to date my husband again lol. I kind of go into mom-mode when I have a baby. But some of my favorite nights have been when the kids are asleep and me and Bobby stay up late listening to Zach Bryan or we binge the latest episode of Below Deck.
And…I am truly learning to love who I am. All of me. I think that is the greatest part of growing older. You see yourself differently. You value yourself more. My worth is not determined by my weight. My worth is not determined by my looks. And well, if you saw me running errands in my husband’s underwear earlier this week…just know, my worth is not determined by the way I look when you run into me at Wal-Mart.
I am so grateful for this gift of life. I know it can be painful. I know it can beautiful. I know it can be cumbersome. But I believe in it. I believe in allowing yourself to feel all of it. I believe in me. I believe in you.
With love,
Jordan
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