I have two beautiful babies. A boy and a girl. They are both so different from each other. The best of both worlds. I love them dearly. Equally. Fully. Whole heartedly.
Yet, I often contemplate the question that so many other parents do.
When do you know, you are done having kids?
Can anyone answer this?
Does anyone ever actually feel confident in their decision?
It is something I have mulled over in my head time and time again. At 16, I said I wanted 8 kids. Like John and Kate. My favorite show. How naïve, Jordan.
After Hunter, I had my heart set on 3. It just felt right.
After Hal, and surviving motherhood with a toddler, infant, working from home, and a global pandemic. I started to wonder if 2 was the right choice for our family.
After each baby, it has taken me over 1 year to return to myself again. It is hard to explain. And I do not know if every mother experiences it. But I do. Deeply.
I am so immersed in motherhood that even in brief moments of freedom, I fail to be present because of worry.
After that first year, I slowly return to myself again. I am different. Better. Stronger. More wise. More tired. But beautifully more me.
And as our baby gets older, things run a little more smoothly. I have slept through the night for the last week. Date nights happen more. Oh, I actually have a husband? Hello, Bobby. I can leave the house without constant panic and anxiety. I can let the tension from my shoulders relax a bit. I can breathe a bit better. I no longer feel like I am drowning.
I can focus on things that keep me feeling like Jordan. I am a real whole person who has friends and interests.
On our vacation, my husband and I stayed up one night talking about this. We mulled it over. We talked it through like you should with every big decision in life.
And guess what? We still do not have an answer.
A few weeks prior, I felt like I had an epiphany about my family being complete.
But just last tonight, Bobby tossed a coin, and it landed on heads which means we need one more. So back to the drawing board it is!
In all seriousness, I do not know if I will ever be able to see a tiny newborn laying on a new mommy’s chest and not feel some sort of yearning. On the other hand, a part of my soul feels like my family might be complete. Would I be selfish if I stopped now? Will I have regrets later? Oops, I think I changed my mind again. It’s time for a third!
See what goes on in my head…
Ultimately, I know the decision is up to us. Unless, a big surprise happens in the meantime!
How did you know you were done having children?
Please send me your insight and experience!
With love,
Jordan
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