No sugar coating here

I have been struggling with my mental health. I do not feel like sugar coating it. Pretending that things are perfect serves no one. My anxiety has taken on a life of its own. So much so that it has taken over mine. I create catastrophic events in my head to the point that they honestly feel real. The emotions I feel in my body feel as if they are happening in real time. It is robbing me of my joy, and I hate it.

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I came off my SSRI (Zoloft) three months ago. I weaned very slowly by cutting my pills in half and then into quarters. Aside from a week of some intense feelings (mostly anger) I felt like the process went smoothly. My anxiety increased about 10% which was not unmanageable by any means.

But as winter started to approach and the pandemic seemed to only worsen, I felt myself start to slide downwards.

My entire family was affected by COVID. My grandma who is 82 years old tested positive. Then my mother. Then my brother. And then myself. Luckily, my husband and children have not been affected. But they remain in a quarantine until after Christmas. This of course changes what our Christmas day will look like. And it feels like another letdown. Thankfully and gratefully, everyone has recovered, but it did not come without fear and worry.

In the back of my mind, I'm thinking about people who are experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one. An old friend lost her brother this year. How is she getting through this holiday season without him? I have two close friends who lost their mother 5 years ago, how can they survive another holiday without their mom? It just crushes my heart for them. It is not fair.

Those thoughts then lead me down a dark road about my own life. What would I do? How could I live? How could I face another day if something happened to my children or my husband? Earth shattering things do happen. I see it every single day.

I am pro therapy. I truly am. But I have noticed that therapy triggers me. And I think I know why. I had so desperately hoped that therapy would solve all my problems for me. I prayed that I could walk out of therapy and be healed of all my anxious thoughts. But when my expectations fell short, it left me feeling even more defeated and hopeless.

I have since realized is that therapy is my teacher, and I must do the work. My ability to get through this season of my life must come from deep within myself. I am capable. And I can overcome.

I have had some brighter days in the last few days. My anxiety has been less debilitating. Sometimes I have a good grasp on it. And other days, I do not. Some of my best days happen when I stay off my phone-when I limit my time on google, Facebook, and Instagram. Do not think for one second that I find that as a coincidence either.

Here are some tangible things that help me when I am suffering:

1. Doing something productive (a load of dishes/a load of laundry/making dinner).

2. Turning on a podcast

3. Taking a hot steamy bath

4. Lighting some candles

5. Using some of my grounding skills from therapy (Name 5 things you can hear)

6. Going for a walk (Winter, you’re messing with my groove)

7. Staying the heck off my phone (especially you google)

8. Positive thoughts and affirmations (All of my problems have solutions, I am whole).

From the kitchen right now, I can hear my husband making homemade eggnog with the kids. He is telling pirate jokes that are so ridiculous they are making me laugh, Hunter’s helping daddy cook and Halle is enjoying the show. With my anxious thoughts under control, I can soak in the beauty of this moment. And what a beautiful moment it is.

With love, Jordan