A vicious cycle…you know the term. It is sometimes used in the context of a domestic violent relationship, an unfortunate relapse of alcohol or drugs, or maybe even in reference to someone’s finances.
But what about the vicious cycle of weight loss and weight gain? Can we talk about that for a second? Weight loss and then weight gain is a terrible vicious cycle. You experience a high when you’re losing the weight but feel paralyzed when you’re gaining. You are constantly showered with compliments when the scale goes down but hear nothing but silence when the scale goes up. No one speaks a word and you know why.
Can I be real with you for a minute?
About one month after I had Halle, I weighed 20 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight. I was thin for me. But I wasn’t thin for the right reasons. I was thin because I was drowning in anxiety. I had no appetite. I had to force myself to eat. I saw my body in the mirror, noticed the way clothes fit, knew that I had a substantial amount of weight off of me…but guess what? It didn’t bring me happiness. It didn’t fulfill me. It didn’t make my anxiety and postpartum depression go away. It just didn’t.
Fast forward five months and you can find me pleasantly plump again. Hold on, I am laughing, pleasantly plump is a such a nice way to word it. But it is true, this is where you find me.
I’m not happy with my weight but I am giving myself grace. And giving myself grace is not something I have ever been good at. We are our own biggest critic. I’m sure you already know. Maybe your insecurities are not based around weight but I am sure you can relate on another level. The way we talk to ourselves is stomach-turning and wrong. I would never speak those words to anyone else in this world, why do I do it over and over again to myself?
Giving myself grace has taught me a lot. It is had shown me that I have the ability to meet myself where I am at. I learned that I can still love myself regardless of the number on the scale.
I used to have this terrible mindset that if I was carrying extra pounds on my body, I couldn’t look pretty, I couldn’t dress stylish, I shouldn’t do anything nice for myself until the weight was gone. I should just stay immobilized until I was thin again.
I can see now that having that kind of mindset takes away from the present moment. I can still feel good about myself, I can still do things that make me feel beautiful, I can still be who I want to be regardless of my weight.
I bought myself a new wardrobe of clothes that FIT WHO I AM NOW.
I purchased quality makeup that makes me feel good about myself.
I invested in a quality skincare routine.
I got my hair colored, cut, and styled.
I realize these are materialistic things and I don’t want that to come across as my message here because it is not. My point is that I would have normally put these things off because I wasn’t happy with my image.
Guess what? Doing those things gave me confidence. It helped me feel good in my skin. It stopped me from being terrified to be in public with extra weight on my body. It helped me see things clearer and on a deeper level.
Being thin doesn’t bring you happiness. I think we all know this on a deep level. There is a lot of internal work that goes along with becoming the best version of yourself. The best version of myself is healthy. Healthy physically, healthy mentally, healthy in my heart.
I am striving to be all of those things…but I will love myself exactly where I am at in the meantime.
And exactly where I am at, is an okay place to be.
With love,
Jordan