My truth, even if it hurts to share.

I feel shame around my story. I wish it wasn't this way. I wish it could have been different. But it wasn't. This is my truth, even if it hurts to share.

I shared about my postpartum depression/anxiety that I faced with Hunter. I shared that it was the darkest place I had ever been in my life. I never sought treatment, I lied to my doctor about the way I felt. I faced racing thoughts, crippling anxiety, and I feared that I would never feel like "me" again. I felt like I was a shell of myself. Physically, I was there. But everything else about me was gone. After suffering in silence for months, I slowly started to heal. Afterwards, I vowed to make my mental health a priority. I never wanted to feel that way again. I took supplements, ate better, exercised, poured myself into my family, did things that sparked joy in my heart, and I healed. I healed into a better version of myself. I was proud of what I went through because it made me stronger. But I never wanted to feel like that again.

Two years later, I become pregnant with my sweet girl, Halle. My pregnancy went well despite some pregnancy induced conditions that were easily treatable. I felt great mentally. Things were in a good place. The day she was born, I felt so much love in my heart. I looked at my husband and said, "I am just so happy". I meant it.

On Halle's third day in this world, I felt my world turn gray. I recognized this feeling and it sent fear through my entire body. I never wanted to feel that way again. Yet here it was...creeping back in. I wasn't going to let this happen for a second time. I wasn't going to lose valuable time with my baby, valuable time in this beautiful life, because I was facing postpartum depression and anxiety. I immediately scheduled a therapy appointment. I started taking Omega 3's and D3 supplements. I read, I wrote, I spent time with family and friends, I forced myself to get out of the house and stay social, I did all the things I was supposed to do...but it didn't work.

I woke up at 4:30 in the morning on January 30th with pain in my spine. It then radiated to my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I got on my knees and held my chest. I woke my husband up and told him that something wasn't right. I thought I was having a heart attack, something was seriously wrong. We grabbed the babies and rushed to the Hospital. The entire car ride, I experienced so much pain and shortness of breath. My heart felt like it was exploding. I couldn't catch my breath. I already had the weight of the world on my shoulder's...now this.

There was nothing wrong with my heart.

The truth is, I experienced my first panic attack.

I was ashamed.

I have everything I ever wanted in my life.

Yet, here you find me...5 AM in the local emergency room, having a panic attack.

I knew what this meant. It was my body's way of telling me that I am not okay. Yes Jordan, you can exercise, you can take vitamins, you can do all of the things you're supposed to do, but if you're not okay...your body will tell you. My body did. I was trying so hard to fight this on my own.

If I took the medication my Doctor prescribed, wouldn't that mean I failed?

It would take me two weeks before I decided that I needed the medication. My symptoms only progressed. I felt hopeless, anxious, and not cut out for this role. I fake smiled, I fake laughed, I looked at my beautiful family and felt

n o t h i n g.

Do you know how much it pains me to say that? More than I could ever put in words.

With the encouragement of my husband, my family, and other women who spoke to me in confidence about their own experiences, I decided to take the medication. I did not make this decision lightly. I spent hours researching side effects and other problems associated with SSRI's. But in the end, I knew I could not waste another day feeling the way I felt.

Within one week, I could feel a significant difference in my mood. In two weeks, I felt even better. In 6 weeks, I just felt like myself again. That's all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be me again.

The real Jordan can look at her family and feel unconditional love. The real Jordan can hold her baby to her chest and feel synchronicity. The real Jordan can handle fear and anxiety more efficiently and without feelings of doom. The real Jordan can look to the future and feel hope. The real Jordan can lay her head down at night with her heart filled with gratefulness and contentment. The real Jordan sees color in her world again its filled with ocean blues and emerald greens. The real Jordan shares her story.

I don't plan to stay on my medication long. I will consult with my Doctor about a tapering off plan in the future. But for now, I will continue to take my medication and not feel shame in doing so.

I share my story because I wish someone would have told me, even if it hurts to share.

I am here to tell you that there is hope.

You're not alone.

You can do this.

The other side of this is a beautiful place to be, and I can help you get there, if you need someone.

With love,

Jordan